Please note, dear reader, that these rules of marriage are provided in diverting conversation four days after their marriage. So, after she’s stuck with him. Some do indeed seem reasonable, others contribute greatly to my desire to throw the book across the room. Except I mostly read on my phone, so I would never actually do that.

Mr B’s Rules of Marriage

Let me see: What are the rules I am to observe from this awful lecture? Why these:

First, let’s note that Pamela uses the word ‘awful’ in the archaic sense of strict and impressive, giving awe. But the modern reader might well take the modern definition.

1. That I must not, when he is in great wrath with any body, break in upon him without his leave. Well, I’ll remember it, I warrant. But yet I think this rule is almost peculiar to himself.

If he’s cranky, fine, let him be cranky by himself.

2. That I must think his displeasure the heaviest thing that can befall me. To be sure I shall.
3. And so that I must not wish to incur it, to save any body else. I’ll be further if I do.

Don’t throw yourself on the sword for others Pamela — that would be too virtuous.

4. That I must never make a compliment to any body at his expense.
5. That I must not be guilty of any acts of wilful meanness. There is a great deal meant in this; and I’ll endeavour to observe it all. To be sure, the occasion on which he mentions this, explains it; that I must say nothing, though in anger, that is spiteful or malicious; that is disrespectful or undutiful, and such -like.

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all…

6. That I must bear with him, even when I find him in the wrong. This is a little hard, as the case may be!

What is “a little hard” for Pamela is a straight up deal breaker in my world.

7. That I must be as flexible as the reed in the fable, lest, by resisting the tempest, like the oak, I be torn up by the roots. Well, I’ll do the best I can!—There is no great likelihood, I hope, that I should be too perverse; yet sure, the tempest will not lay me quite level with the ground, neither.

This is downright frightening in its implications.

8. That the education of young people of condition is generally wrong. Memorandum; That if any part of children’s education fall to my lot, I never indulge and humour them in things that they ought to be restrained in.

I don’t think Mr B has any plans to educate his offspring, but he will be standing by to critique anyone who does take on the task.

9. That I accustom them to bear disappointments and control.
10. That I suffer them not to be too much indulged in their infancy.
11. Nor at school.
12. Nor spoil them when they come home.

Life is suffering, after all.

13. For that children generally extend their perverseness from the nurse to the schoolmaster: from the schoolmaster to the parents:
14. And, in their next step, as a proper punishment for all, make their ownselves unhappy.

This actually sounds reasonable, yet I’m not sure how much Mr B/Richardson’s definition of ‘perverseness’ in children’s behavior would overlap with mine.

15. That undutiful and perverse children make bad husbands and wives: And, collaterally, bad masters and mistresses.
16. That, not being subject to be controlled early, they cannot, when married, bear one another.
17. That the fault lying deep, and in the minds of each other, neither will mend it.

This seems rather pessimistic, the assumption that there will be no change in adult personality once it’s been set in childhood. Unless, of course, a spoilt Mr B falls under the overwhelming virtuous influence of a Pamela.

18. Whence follow misunderstandings, quarrels, appeals, ineffectual reconciliations, separations, elopements; or, at best, indifference; perhaps, aversion.—Memorandum; A good image of unhappy wedlock, in the words YAWNING HUSBAND, and VAPOURISH WIFE, when together: But separate, both quite alive.

Yawning Husband & Vapourish Wife… where have I seen that before? Oh yes, skipping ahead one book on the syllabus: Elizabeth Bennet’s parents.

19. Few married persons behave as he [Mr B] likes. Let me ponder this with awe and improvement.

Yes, Pamela, ponder away! How is it that Mr B is always the critic?

20. Some gentlemen can compromise with their wives, for quietness sake; but he can’t. Indeed I believe that’s true; I don’t desire he should.

Run away, Pamela, run away!

21. That love before marriage is absolutely necessary.
22. That there are fewer instances of men’s than women’s loving better after marriage. But why so? I wish he had given his reasons for this! I fancy they would not have been to the advantage of his own sex.
23. That a woman give her husband reason to think she prefers him before all men. Well, to be sure this should be so.

If 21 is fulfilled, then 23 would follow naturally, no?

24. That if she would overcome, it must be by sweetness and complaisance; that is, by yielding, he means, no doubt
25. Yet not such a slavish one neither, as should rather seem the effect of her insensibility, than judgment or affection.
26. That the words COMMAND and OBEY shall be blotted out of the Vocabulary. Very good!

Is that removing ‘command’ and ‘obey’ from his vocabulary, or hers?

27. That a man should desire nothing of his wife, but what is significant, reasonable, just. To be sure, that is right.

He will, of course, also define what is significant, reasonable, just.

28. But then, that she must not shew reluctance, uneasiness, or doubt, to oblige him; and that too at half a word; and must not be bid twice to do one thing. But may not there be some occasions, where this may be a little dispensed with? But he says afterwards, indeed,
29. That this must be only while he took care to make her compliance reasonable, and consistent with her free agency, in points that ought to be allowed her. Come, this is pretty well, considering.
30. That if the husband be set upon a wrong thing, she must not dispute with him, but do it and, expostulate afterwards. Good sirs! I don’t know what to say to this! It looks a little hard, methinks! This would bear a smart debate, I fancy, in a parliament of women. But then he says,

30 seems a restatement of 6, to which I reiterate: NOPE.

31. Supposing they are only small points that are in dispute. Well, this mends it a little. For small points, I think, should not be stood upon.
32. That the greatest quarrels among friends (and wives and husbands are, or should be, friends) arise from small matters. I believe this is very true; for I had like to have had anger here, when I intended very well.
33. That a wife should not desire to convince her husband for CONTRADICTION sake, but for HIS OWN. As both will find their account in this, if one does, I believe ‘tis very just.
34. That in all companies a wife must shew respect and love to her husband.
35. And this for the sake of her own reputation and security; for,
36. That rakes cannot have a greater encouragement to attempt a married lady’s virtue, than her slight opinion of her husband. To be sure this stands to reason, and is a fine lesson.

And how would Mr B know what is a great encouragement to a rake? Oh, right…

37. That a wife should therefore draw a kind veil over her husband’s faults.
38. That such as she could not conceal, she should extenuate.
39. That his virtues she should place in an advantageous light
40. And shew the world, that he had HER good opinion at least.

I say this depends greatly on the nature and extent of such faults.

41. That she must value his friends for his sake.
42. That she must be cheerful and easy in her behaviour, to whomsoever he brings home with him.
43. That whatever faults she sees in him, she never blame him before company.

Happy face in public seems pretty important to Mr B/Richardson. Hmmm.

44. At least, with such an air of superiority, as if she had a less opinion of his judgment than her own.
45. That a man of nice observation cannot be contented to be only moderately happy in a wife.
46. That a wife take care how she ascribe supererogatory merit to herself; so as to take the faults of others upon her.

“Supererogatory” means “going beyond the requirements of duty.” Now we’ve all learned a new word!

47. That his imperfections must not be a plea for hers. To be sure, ‘tis no matter how good the women are; but ‘tis to be hoped men will allow a little. But, indeed, he says,

Is he going to draw a kind veil over her faults when they are before company? No promises there, because we never see any precepts for husbands.

48. That a husband, who expects all this, is to be incapable of returning insult for obligation, or evil for good; and ought not to abridge her of any privilege of her sex.

“Any privilege of her sex” indeed. With all of these rules–and these don’t include an earlier discussion where Mr B told her she should always dress nicely and smile, no matter what her feelings of the moment might be–I’m not really clear on what privilege remains to the feminine sex in Richardson’s mind.